It’s good to be home but I am somewhat anxious to get back to work to get my head in another place. Today was a little rough in spots.
The last time I came back from KS a few weeks ago I found that getting back to work was pretty beneficial for me. It really helped faster than I thought it would. I’m hoping it does but the news this last week was worse than before so I just don’t know. I am hopeful though. It will take some work on my part though and am being as optimistic as I can.
I got a really good night’s sleep last night and I am sure it had something to do with being up so long. Stress probably is a negative in the equation too. I had acupuncture for my neck first thing this morning. It really helped ease my headache and loosen up my neck and back pretty good. Tomorrow morning is my first massage in way too long and its for 90 glorious minutes.
The horrible pain in my hand was officially diagnosed by an orthopedic surgeon this afternoon as arthritis. We are going to try a brace and ibuprofen first to see if it helps. The next step would be a cortisone injection in my hand; after that would be surgery. The surgeon thinks it will stop hurting at some point – they’ve actually seen it before even though things are not lined up correctly any longer. I’m game for avoiding the shots and surgery myself. The surgery could potentially take away some mobility in my hand so I’ll definitely try to put that off. ANY relief would help.
One last item…
Thank you to those amongst you that sent me a note of support and encouragement. It was a nice gesture and greatly appreciated.
I am in my hotel near KCI, leaving tomorrow morning to go back home. Today was a rough day with bad news.
My dad had surgery this morning to remove the remaining part of the tumor in his bladder. A discussion I had with the doctor afterward brought more bad news. They had to remove more of his bladder than originally anticipated due to the depth and size of the remainder of the tumor. We already knew it was stage 4 bladder cancer and may possibly be in his bones. I was also told today that not only is the cancer in his lymph nodes, but it’s also in his liver. The doctor told me that he has had this for a while. The doctors’ plan is to do intravenous treatment on him since he is too weak for regular chemo treatments. He was told last week it is not curable. Perhaps if it had been caught early there would be a chance…
But it wasn’t. And there isn’t.
My heart just sunk. It felt just like June of 2016 all over again – when we got the news about my mom’s stage 4 glioblastoma.
What the fuck?!?! First my sister gets sick with it, my mom dies from it, and now my dad probably has but a brief time left. You try to stay positive and hopeful, yet there is reality and that really blows at certain times in our lives. It is so horrible and you feel so helpless when you are looking at losing your other parent and a sibling along with already losing a parent…all within a very short time. It can be difficult to keep your shit together.
I’m trying really hard to do that. Yes I have shed many tears over all of this and nobody should be afraid to do that – it’s not healthy to keep it in. Besides… I am human and it fucking hurts.
Luckily I am so very fortunate to have the best family and friends that a person could have and we are all there for each other. I’ll continue to stay as positive as I can – life continues to move forward for those of us left behind. We always have the memories, and those will never die.
Fuck you cancer. For a third time in too short of a time fuck you cancer.
That’s all I can write at the moment.
Today is a cooking day. The weather is nice and cool, but it is supposed to warm up quite a bit in the next week so I need to get it done soon.
I made breakfast sandwiches for the week this morning, then after a quick inventory and spice run I am now making barbacoa beef in the Instant Pot, The whole house smells wonderful right now! This recipe is quite earthy and is so good. Next thing, while that is cooking, I will take the burrito mixture that I cooked and froze last month and make burritos and portion them out for meals. It is still a bit frozen so I may have to wait until tonight but that will get done today. I also want to fire up the oven and make up some red velvet cake mix cookies.
Since I got home Tuesday we got more bad news about my dad from the oncologist and now we are waiting for more news after scans today to see what exactly is going on. I have been wanting to get some cooking and meal prep done the last few days but I have not really felt up to it after getting the oncologist report. My original plan was to come home from this trip and get the trailer out but I got that phone call and thought I should stay closer to home in case I was needed. I’ll be making a lot of trips back it’s looking like.
I need a big distraction and once I get this cooking done I think I may take a walk. Work looms tomorrow so I need to get in a better headspace and that might help. It actually might even help by getting back to work. The cooking is definitely helping today.
The big news I was referring to about a month or so ago won’t be happening after all, but something else big is quite possibly going to come through for me concerning a job. It will be pretty exciting if it happens and I hope to find out soon.
That’s it for now.
Good fucking riddance, 2016.
Yes, there were some great things that happened – Meghan got married and looks to be set up good for a job, I got a different gig that I really like and get to return to next year, Chelsea is going to have another baby.
There were some bittersweet things and some potential changes that will be brought about due to the bittersweet; that I will come back to later.
And then, there was the horrible. Cancer. Cancer took my mom and she was brave to the end. My sister was diagnosed with a rare form and is fighting that after being told she would only last for a few years. My dad has been so strong. I try to stay in touch and will be making a visit back there very soon.
I just got done working for the season and I need a vacation so very badly. I really have not had much vacation in the last four years. Granted, my life IS a vacation basically, but I really need to have an adventure.
So…about that bittersweet. My mom wanted me to have and use the Scotty trailer. This is the same retro-looking trailer I used and pulled up to Washington when I moved here a little more than four years ago. It is still in Kansas since I have not gotten back to get it yet but I plan on doing that very soon. I need to get some things taken care of first, but after that I will be going to get it. It will end up being an adventure but I don’t know how that’s going to unfold quite yet. If you think about it that is what adventure is. My mom wanted me to get use out of that trailer so I will make her proud. I’ll be taking that thing all over with me.
I need this break so much. I have been so busy traveling for the family things going on. I have also been working as much as I can when I am back home. I am in a bit of a weird place right now with what has happened and I really to need to find adventure. Overall I am doing okay; I just need a break. Now that I am able to finally do some traveling my hopes have come to fruition and right about on time considering the wreck I was in (which DID set my plans back a bit). Everything has worked out just fine all things considered. I will be doing many extended road trips from here out.
After my appointment here in Port Townsend tomorrow morning I am free until Sunday night so I am going to go somewhere and I’m gonna do something. I did get my Watefont Pizza fix and soaked in the hot tub afterwards.
I do have some ideas but I’m just not quite sure where or what yet but I am really leaning on knocking a few things off my bucket list.
Check back later!
…and a bad week it’s been (posted well after this happened).
My mom died last week.
I have started to write this the post the day after the funeral but I am late in posting it – just wasn’t up to the task. How can you really put into words how you feel after something like that happens?! I guess that is easy but comes off sounding cliched. Maybe it’s best to just let it be and not figure it out. Maybe you CANNOT figure it out…
My mom always treated me like a rockstar. She never judged me or my actions (when she maybe should’ve), but always was there for me. She always supported me and was always there for me. Toward the end she was so happy when I got my motorcycle insurance straightened out (right before she died) and can have my surgery finally. She was a good person, a bit goofy at times, and I see a little bit of her in my family. She was always into traveling to new places to see new things. She will always be with me.
I was here in Kansas last week for a visit. Chelsea and I drove down from Seattle and had a few adventure stops along the way. It was a fun trip and hope to go again!
On my way back last week I was in Missoula staying the night but heading back home. I got the call that night and, even though we knew what was going to happen, it still sucks.
When we got here, she took possession of my Ford Explorer and I bought my dad’s Chevy Avalanche. On one of the many visits back here over the last 6 weeks, my mom said she wanted me to have the Scotty travel trailer. She knew that I could and would use it. And you can bet I will – it is the one that I moved to Washington in.
I am so very fortunate to have amazing parents. Thanks to them, I turned out okay despite myself.
Now it is time for me to try to sort through this and get myself into a better place inside.