(Just a note that there may be a few words that might, or probably will, offend someone. If you still see it there it’s only because I didn’t edit it out.)

After roughly four full days of very little food because of lack of all appetite, my hunger is finally getting the best of me. On one hand, it has helped me to lose nearly 10 lb. in just this past five days. On the other hand, I do need to get some nourishment to repair some of the damage to my body.

Every day it gets a little easier to breathe; it’s nowhere near where I need to be but it will take time. I got maybe a little too ambitious today but all I did was vacuum the rug and go get my mail. I got my time in for my exercises while doing those few things I really needed to do but I am exhausted.

It does not help that I cannot sleep more than a few hours a night. One of the meds I am on is notorious for causing sleeplessness, hallucinations and nightmares, and even psychosis in extreme cases. I am going to give it the weekend to see if things calm down and I hope it has already. But I still woke up at 2:00 AM yet again this morning.

I heard these nightmares/hallucinations are called “lucid dreams”. It was just like it was really happening. So real. I know you are probably wondering “So…just what KIND of hallucinations?”. Oh just little things, like shadow figures walking at the foot of my bed, lights flickering…and there are no lights on. Things crawling across the walls – like lizards, insects, birds, cats…you know, the usual and the unusual things that crawl across walls. My dog was jumping on my bed…and he is in Montana until I recover. The two nights I spent in the hospital I cannot even describe because I don’t even know what happened or HOW to begin to describe it. I had some weird dream and it raged all. effing. night. long. The second night, it was the same damn dream and picked up right where I was the night before.

The third night I was home and that one about drove me insane. I was basically trapped inside the front of a giant webpage for many hours – like 8 hours. Imagine you are standing under the front of the screen at your favorite cinema. Everywhere in your peripheral vision is a webpage that big. And you are stuck on the front of it. No, really. I could not get away or shut it out, off or down. It was an auction webpage with all of the Le Creuset items I have been buying – at auction. As the night went on it got so bad. The goddamn web page was floor to ceiling on my bed, in my face, and the auctions got faster and faster. I was physically yelling outloud for it to “FUCKING STOP!!!”. It was flashing pictures, insanity, color, intensity…every possible thing assaulting your senses and then much more. I even thought I could come in and shut down my laptop maybe it would stop it. I know, right? All these dreams seemed so scary real.

Fortunately, last night there were no dreams at night, but the dog was jumping on my bed again (he is still in MT), shadow figures paced at the foot of my bed, lights were flashing around in the air, weird noises…sounds horrible to you but a much-welcomed relief for me. Was I ever really scared? No, not overly but not totally without fear. Frustrated, concerned, no control and goddamned tired & pissed off about it? Yeah, let’s say that. I will see how the weekend plays out and call if necessary. I have only been on these new meds for 4-5 days now so I am sure my body has to adjust in more ways than one.

I have been looking at the food I have in the cupboards and the other I worked so hard to cook and freeze. Even though I do try to cook mostly healthy when I cook there are things I will have to get used to not eating or eating less of or ingredients no longer okay to use. I still don’t know what the hard details of my diet boundaries are or will be but a cardiac diet is pretty, well, unfun. I don’t use much salt so that part is easy, and I eat more chicken than beef or pork (gonna miss bacon…). But cheeses?!?!?! Eggs? NOOOOoooooooo! And Kerrygold…I will always remember those buttery, golden times. Speaking of golden times, I’m talking to you, too, Hostess.

All comedy aside, I know it needs to happen and I am good with it. I am looking for ideas to do with some of the things I cannot eat so it doesn’t go to waste. There’s a lot of money and labor of love in that freezer. I won’t waste it for just those reasons, but put simply we should just not waste food any more than absolutely necessary. I have some canned goods but the food bank is not taking outside donations because of the ‘rona. I am thinking of what I can do to make sure it helps someone who really needs it. I have ideas.

Tomorrow I will be taking it easier but I hope to get rid of some stuff tomorrow morning since I am picking up all new groceries from curbside at Safeway. I browsed through various items and found some great ideas. I am getting some healthier frozen prepared meals to eat until I can get my feet back under me and can work on finding some recipes to cook. I will be looking at many plant-based possibilities but some are not healthier than say, a Whopper vs. an Impossible Whopper. They are good though.

Have a good night. Hoping the cinema in my head is closed tonight.

Me and the dog are headed to bed.